why am i getting more tattoos?
I had my tarot read by my friend a few weeks ago and lowkey... it's made me question about my motivations for getting tattoos.
The question i asked the tarot was along the lines of "will my next tattoo be a good tattoo experience". For context, ive been planning on booking (i sent the form in today :D) a tattoo to overlap when i will be a different city for a concert. From what my shitty memory can remember, the first card said yes! The experience will be good! Yipee! The second card said that the experience will be helping me come out from a slump or something similar. This made sense because i have been wanting a new tattoo for a while. Well, i always want a new tattoo.
For past year or two, i've been purposefully trying to curate my instagram feed to only show silly comics, cool tattoos, and cats. BUT, now all i see when i take a shit on company dime is super cool art people have engraved on their bodies. I'm so jealous. But alas, i have other expenses that comes before getting cool art engraved on my body. That's the mindset ive been putting myself in, so it's kinda like a slump-ish mindset?
The third tarot card though, hit a little too personally. The card said something like (apologies for the shitty memory), "you're doing this for superficial validation, huh?". Fuck. Yeah... i am.
As of today, of my 7 different tattoos (6 if you count the asymmetrical pair as 1), 3 of them have some meaning.
Side Note: 2 of my tattoos have improvised meanings. I planned on getting a floral tattoo anyway, but then i thought hey! it would be sweet to get me mums favorite flower and later, my favorite flower tattooed!
I don't regret any of my tattoos. However, i do wish i put more time into the placements of them before getting them permanently tattooed on me though.
Another side note: I've also come to the realization, i am so extremely short sighted. I think most of my close people already know that about me. I'll ponder this more on a different day.
That tarot reading has made me think, why do i want to be tattooed?
Ever since i saw Mei Pang's tattoos in 2019, i wanted to look just like her. I still think about going bald and i know it's because of her (even though she's grown her hair out now).
I've been carrying around this mindset that i will be fully covered in tattoos, from my ankles to my wrists to my collar bones. I don't plan on really scraping or rushing this goal. I plan on taking lifetime or half-a-lifetime for me to reach this state, given the life i also want to live.
This mindset has some consequential thought-processes though. Because i plan on basically being fully covered in ink, my mindset when i get a tattoo i don't love 100%-from-deep-within-my-soul is just, "Whatever, it'll be lost in the sea of ink anyway". But, maybe that's not the best mindset to have when getting something permanently engraved in my skin? Again, i don't regret any of my tattoos and i'm grateful that this mindset lead me outside my comfort zone to get that cool art inked on me. But, i've definitely been thinking more about placement, design, and future tattoos now, or, for at least the past year.
I was at the gym and i saw someone of similar build to me but with a cyber-sigillism-type, patchwork, quarter sleeve. I remember thinking, "wow! She's so cool! I want to look like that!". What I think i subconsciously meant was, "wow! She's so cool! I want to leave the impression she is leaving on me, to someone else too! I want someone to think im cool too!".
"I want to look cool or look cool to others" Those words are probably 89% of my motivation for getting tattoos.
I have some other musings ive used to "justify" having/getting my tattoos.
- My body is my temple. I should honor and decorate it with beautiful artwork.
- You only live once, do what makes you happy. Being surrounded by art truly makes me happy.
- Support artists!
Two different instances has made me think more about my tattoos and tattoo goals. One was from a tiktok of a future bride being concerned/ conflicted of having her tattoos in her wedding shoots/ photos. The other was a conversation i had with my brother. He purposely choose to have his sleeve on his left arm so he could still have muscle definition visible on his right/ dominant arm.
These made me think...
Do i want to have my silly lil tattoos in my wedding photos? Answer: Yeah, they're art that's a part of me so why wouldn't i?
Should i be more mindful of where my tattoos are if i also want to have some muscle definition visible? Answer: Probably... if i also want to achieve my goal of looking like a big buff lady. ʕ ´•̥̥̥ ᴥ•̥̥̥`ʔ
Back to wanting to look like my definition of cool and superficial validation.
Of my 7 tattoos, 6 of them are in spots that are easily/ usually hidden. My most recent one is my only usually exposed tattoo. My next tattoo, is also in a high exposure area. I've recently shifted from getting lots of easily-hidden ones to getting high-visibility tattoos.
Sometimes, i will compliment someone's cool tatts and ill think to myself, "damn it, they might not know i also have a some tattoos because all of them are unintentionally hidden right now" and i will despair internally. One time i told someone i liked her tatts and she leaned closer to me and said in this secretative whisper, "they're permanent, you know...."
... WELL NO SHIT THEY ARE PERMANENT??? PLZ I KNOW TATTOOS ARE PERMANENT, I HAVE THEM TOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I was baffled to say the least. I thought to myself, if it was obvious i also had tattoos, would she say the same thing to me? This was such a small interaction that this person probably forgot about that same night, but, kinda stupidly, this hurt my ego.
I understand that its more important to know my body and love how it looks for myself. But, that's not always the case. I want to look cool. I want people i find cool to maybe think i also look cool! I want people who enjoys similar things as me to also look at me and think, wow! they look interesting and cool! I'm being reminded of this super interesting podcast by the Queer Collective.
"Everything is a costume. So costumes fit and some don't". (Timestamp 1:01:17 to 1:01:20)
"There will always be some degree of performance when you're stepping out into the world... the most you can do is entertain yourself with the sort of performance that you're putting on, with the genres of performance..."(Timestamp 32.09 to 32.25)
Queer Collective (2026, May 28) Why No One Can Tell You’re Gay [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tQUYjFSmOE
Although the podcast is about being non-binary and queer signaling, i do think the commentary about performance is applicable. For most of this introspection, i feel like ive been telling myself its bad that im getting these tattoos for "others"; it's bad i want people i think are cool to also think im cool. But, coming back from watching that podcast again, maybe it is but is it that bad? I love all of my tattoos and even if not all of them have meaning, i love art and i love the general topics they are about, is that not enough? My want of wanting the people I think are cool to also think im cool, is that not pushing me forward to be the person i wish myself to be?
Maybe my goal of being Mei Pang will change as i figure out what fits better in my own skin and goals. I should also recognize that the placements of my new tattoos from easily-hidden to highly-exposed also shifted because my life shifted a lot. I no longer am hiding my tattoos from my family nor do i see my tattoos from impacting my professional life.
I think for right now, it's enough to recognize how impactful superficial validation and the opinion of my friends/ ppl i find cool are to my life choices and keep that in mind during my decision making. I think being mindful and questioning my decisions, "am i really doing this for me and my joy or am i doing it for the perception of me to others" might be the best path for me right now. I should also acknowledge that although i tell myself and others, "i don't care abt how ppl think of me", that's not always true. I want the people i care and respect to also see me in a positive light. I want people i find super cool and confident to also see me in a similar light. Its the level of influence i give to this external validation that i think should be tempering but not necessarily stop all together. Hm..
I'm pretty excited for my next tattoo. Hehe! Kinda nervous though since it's going to be in a pretty boney area ʕ º ᴥ ºʔ scary.