messy recollection of dark times
Trigger Warning: suicide, self-harm, and mental-illness
Over this past weekend I was able to reflect on how lucky I am to have the support that I now currently have and the support I had few years ago.
I've told a lot of people about this period of my life but my memories are getting rewritten based on the bits and pieces I've told people. My sophomore year of college was genuinely the worst time of my life.
In summary...
I started working at a boba store to make spending money (since the school provided a housing stipend) because I felt such guilt asking for money from my family. I put on extra responsibilities by joining a club board because I got FOMO (it ended up consuming so much of my life but probably a form of escapism for me). I fell on my face twice within 20 minutes, breaking a root canal and laptop. I was taking math classes. I was started failing academically. The shower head hurt to stand under. I started my first serious and mid-distance relationship without really knowing who I was. I started birth control. One of my closest friends started ghosting me. I was in almost constant conflict with my family. My friend passed away (not the one that ghosted me). My mom was diagnosed with 2 forms of cancer.
There were multiple nights I walked alone and seriously contemplated walking to the train tracks. I remember thinking I was too much of a pussy to self harm even though I definitely did.
When I was drunk, I would tell people to bonk heads with me and eventually I started just slamming my head on the wall when I was alone. Totally forgot about that. I still don't like people reminding me I would bonk heads when drunk. I've been telling myself it was because I was cringe but it was probably a weird way of self-harming while still getting that sense of intimidation from others?? Weird. I don't know. Also it led to my glasses breaking once. I never bonked heads again.
I made a sad, walk-alone-at-3 a.m. playlist. I used to think I was being performative and purposely indulging in my own depression because I would listen to these songs to feel sad... usually I just wanted to cry. I would tell myself, "Look, you want to cry and look, you want to feel sad. You don't actually want to be happy and not depressed, you just want to wallow in self-pity and have an excuse for yourself."
I would read soooo many reincarnated-into-a-villainess Webtoons because I wanted to feel that betrayal the main character did. I wanted to feel her despair and sadness (and her eventual revenge).
There were so many late nights I was listening to Time in a Tree and crying from the rooftop of the parking garage across from our dorm because I didn't know where else to go. All those nights started blending together into one. There were many more days I would wake up in the afternoon, roll over to my phone, and read my reincarnated-into-a-villainess webtoons until the sun set or until I had to go to work. Those webtoons were my favorite way to escape.
There was always something negative swirling in my head, anger at my new relationship, frustration at members of the club, disgust working at that boba place, sadness and loneliness. I was so lonely. I had a partner that I know loved me but I was too in my own head to see. I had friends that cared for me but I was too scared to keep asking for support. I was also so selfish. I didn't think about consequences, I just wanted that dopamine rush.
I know now that so much of my relationship at that time was me labeling all the negative emotions I had as being caused by my relationship. I kept dumping it on my partner and saying it was their fault I was feeling this way.
I don't know how but I remember going to my friends empty apartment (they didn't move in yet), sitting in their empty closet, closing the closet door, and crying. I remember feeling so small. When I moved out of that dank dorm and into our crusty apartment my junior year, I would wedge myself between my mini-fridge and closet and also cry. I think being in dark, confined spaces, helped?
I think one of my hardest memories was yelling at my dad in Chinese that yes, I wanted to die and being at home made me want to kill myself even more. So yes, I am going to go to my partner instead of being at home.
I don't know if my relationship with my dad has recovered from that still.
I never wanted to be alone. Being with people brought me joy, comfort, and distractions, while being alone usually led to a spiral or dissociation. It was also always so hard to focus on any task without needing to go on TikTok. I needed to overload my senses to do any thing that didn't bring instant gratification.
I might come back and add things to my recollections sporadically if I remember more.
It's been a few years now.
I'm happy now! I have a life that I wouldn't trade for anything and I know I am so lucky. I wanted to recount some of my darkest times because it's a good reminder to me how far I've come and also how many people were there for me and willing to deal with the little shit I was.
If I were to pin-point some of the things that led me to where I am now mentally it would be like
- Constant source of serotonin
- Life since getting Fungus has never been the same. I genuinely believe having such constant and unconditional joy and comfort to my life saved parts of me.
- My friends and partner were always there for me. Despite me being an actual dick. I truly am so infinitely grateful to them.
- My mom's cancer got better!
- Taking Vitamin D supplements
- I know I'm beating a dead horse to my friends but honestly, I was at my lowest Vitamin D levels when I was the most depressed. Taking 5-6 of the lil gels during the Winter has been a life-saver.
I feel like I have a lot of love to give now because I received so much. Love y'all.
Notes
To some degree, I still think I am selfish but that's something I'm working to be better.
Wanted to say, on the bright side, we made it through all those tsunamis and we're still together :D