i cant help but think about the day my cat dies
First off, this is going to be about my first cat Fungus. I don't think about Doufu's day since she is literally just a baby (1 year old) and honestly, i haven't been her parent long enough for her to change my life as much as Fungus has.
i really try to avoid it. Sometimes i get such immense joy thinking about her and the turd in my brain has to ruin it by going, "she's not here forever..." or "she's getting older"...
i love my cat so much. the sheer emotion of love and happiness i get when i think about her fluffy, browning tummy is just so immense. i have never loved anyone or anything as much as i love her. she has literally brought me out of the darkest time in my life and brought such constant joy. i know that people see me as a crazy cat lady but i am crazy about her.
but life is a balancing act and i cant help but also think about the sheer despair i will be when she leaves me. my entire home is decorated with paintings and artwork that looks like or reminds me of her. I sometimes imagine myself going back home and being surrounded by all these beautiful prints and knowing that Fungus won't be there.
God, im genuinely fighting a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes writing this.
i understand its not healthy to think about my cats death or anyone's death, honestly. I know that it's best to enjoy all the time i have with her now and give her all my love while i can.
but when i see that she's no longer sprinting up and down the halls for bursts of time, or that she no longer jumps onto my chair to sniff my food, or when i see another sprinkle of white fur growing on her lil nose, its hard to not think of the time we have left.
if the world could revolve around my desires, i would be in bed with her everyday and i would live in a neighborhood that didn't have any dogs so we could go walking outside everyday without her being afraid.
i love her so much that every time i think about the day she won't be here anymore i have to push the thought away really fast or i have to fight a flood of tears.
i really do wish i could give her years from my own lifespan. i wish we could grow together forever and go together.
i love her so much and i think she knows that. and i think she loves me too.
Man, i really miss my cat right now.