androgyny and being non-binary
I've considered myself non-binary since 2019 when I first discovered what the word/phrase "non-binary" even meant during peak COVID-19 Lockdown/ TikTok surfing. BTW I'm AFAB.
Since then my relationship with this characterization of myself has changed a lot. I used to emphasize to others that I preferred they/them over she/her. I used to contemplate for hours over many weeks what I could do for people to not assume I went by she/her. I used to contemplate taking T so that I could have a more masculine build rather than looking like a 12 year old boy at best. In the end, the best solution at the time to me, was to try to look as "androgynous" as possible. Which ends up meaning trying to look as masculine/boyish as possible.
Nowadays, I still consider myself non-binary but also not really? I've made peace that I inherently have (and like) a feminine/ smaller build and I enjoy dressing up and feeling pretty. I truly find such joy in wearing pretty dresses, dolling myself up, and admiring my makeup. I also find joy having short hair and wearing men's clothing. I'm also blessed with having a smaller chest to look more masc, when I want to hehe.
But, why are "androgynous" clothes always so blocky and marketed as "you can't see your body so therefore its androgynous". I truly don't understand (but I also haven't done my fair research on the history of androgyny so take what i say with grain of salt). I think fashion and clothes for me should either be
- comfy
- fun/ playful
- fit an occasion and command attention (the last part might be a stretch but its fun to think abt)
Masc clothes is definitely comfy but rarely 2 or 3 because I think they are categorized as more "shapeless" silhouettes. BUT there's a line (that gets a bit blurry sometimes) about being "shapeless" and looking not as put together (i am guilty of the latter quite often).
Side note: I genuinely have 1 button-up that i try to find dupes of whenever I go shopping for more masc clothes (so i stopped buying masc clothes bc my shirt is legit so perfect for me and nothing else can compare and i can j take stuff from my partners closet hehe).
Over the past 2 years, I found a lot more comfort and contentment in my own body (not that I don't have personal fitness goals) and "looking" non-binary no longer really matters to me. However, since I don't care to put the effort to look masculine and I just wear whatever I want now, I tend to look more fem. Especially the periods where I felt like my body fit the "beauty standard" closer, I tend to wear stuff that highlights my midriff more, which ends up being more fem.
Funnily enough, one of my friends said I don't look gay, but I have a "girl crush" aesthetic (with pure of heart she said that but no, I don't mind/ find joy lookin a lil gay).
Some consquences i've noticed from me not really pushing to a group of my friends (who are mostly straight) that I'm non-binary:
- now that you can't really look at me and tell that I'm queer/non-binary or use they/them, no one actually uses they/them for me and none of my more straight friends know or seem to care i use they/them? its stupid but i don't say my pronoun unless someone asks. i have it in my Instagram bio but that's kinda the extent.
- im of the girls
- one of my str8 friends initially described me as a tomboy then thought abt it, and took it back
At the end of the day i don't really mind any of the "consequences". I have other groups of friends that respect my identity and pronouns, which I'm so grateful for. This is all things that would've bothered me when i felt like i had to "prove" i was queer or non-binary. But, now that i have my own life, it's just one of those details i guess. Lalalala.
Also, really love this podcast conversation (with some of my fav quotes) about being non-binary and androgyny:
Queer Collective: Why No One Can Tell You’re Gay.
"Everything is a costume. So costumes fit and some don't". (Timestamp 1:01:17 to 1:01:20)
"There will always be some degree of performance when you're stepping out into the world... the most you can do is entertain yourself with the sort of performance that you're putting on, with the genres of performance..."(Timestamp 32.09 to 32.25)